Conflict Resolution

Monday's lecture was given by Sterling May on conflict Resolution. I am going to use the guidelines he gave to relate to some family issues I have. In context, I struggle with getting along with my parents. I love them and I have a profound sense of gratitude for all that they have done for me in my life, but we don't really see eye to eye. This is something that I'm sure will come up in future relationships. The question that I wish to pose then is: how do you get along with people, showing them love and respect, even though you disagree? I'm sure there isn't a simple answer, but maybe some of the points Sterling highlighted will give me some ground to work with. First of all he said "[I] need the wind" which in the context of his story meant that we need trials and conflicts to make us more resilient in nature. Secondly, he said that "conflict is in direct opposition to [my] growth". This suggests that there is no way I can improve my relationship with my parents if I cannot find a way to resolve or sooth my conflict with them. This is hard to realize sometimes. I tend to think of the situation in terms of "My Parent's Conflict" inhibiting "My Growth". In this light, there is no "me" in the equation. This suggests that I am somehow not apart of the problem, but rather a victim of their parenting. That notion is not true. I am very much apart of this equation and it is through the changing of my attitudes and behavior on the situation that things will get better. Maybe not ideally, but better. My goal is to have them understand my gratitude for them and not see deviance as an attack on them but rather a difference in opinion. Of course, this will not be an easy task. Something Sterling said that I liked in particular was "know yourself". I didn't write any notes down under the statement so he mustn't have gone into the matter too deeply. For me, it doesn't make a lot of sense to characterize others in a conflict if you don't have some insight into who you are. Referring to my Myer-Briggs test results, it lists a few challenges that my personality type faces with others, they are:

1) "[I] have a difficult time speaking up, leading others to believe I have nothing to say or do not care"
2) "too perfectionist" - I think of this in regards to my ideals. Sometimes I have too great of expectations.
3) "[I] may fail to influence or convince others of the merit of my ideas"

So now that I know a couple of specific communication challenges I face, I can get a better idea of how to confront situations with people I disagree. To comment on these specific challenges, I can easily see these tendencies of my personality. In most of my conflicts, especially my parents, there is a lack of communication- and when there is communication, I tend to mold my ideas/opinions to what others (my parents) want to hear because I rationalize that "it's best not to push the issue and let them think they are right" (I do this to avoid the conflict). Unfortunately, though, just because I avoid a conflict doesn't mean it goes away. It is my personality type to internalize my feelings to keep them justified because I know others will not respond well to my disagreements. To some degree, this is good and bad. Sometimes you have to work with others despite disagreements, and you shouldn't go around emphasizing conflicts at every turn. But on the other hand, when I feel someone is sincerely wrong and I disagree with their behavior, especially authorities that have control over my life (like my parents), I allow feelings of resentment and anger to foster. This is obviously not effective or healthy for my relationship with my parents. Although, I may be justified in disagreeing with them, I know that anger is not the solution to coping with the issue.

Sterling listed five methods of action in Conflict Resolution that I wish to comment on. The choices are:
1) Competing - neglecting others concerns.
2) Accommodating - neglecting your own concerns.
3) Compromising - giving up more than competition but less than accommodating.
4) Collaborating - satisfies all members.
5) Avoiding - buys time but also may not resolve the conflict.

Based my thoughts above, I noticed that compromising and collaborating are the only two I haven't tried out. So what do you do when the other party is unwilling to compromise? Give up? Get angry and retreat? No. Sterling said that when dealing with our feelings in situations of conflict we must "acknowledge, deny, put them on the table, or leave them at the door". Finding which is most appropriate for each situation is a delicate balancing game. But having this conversation with myself makes me more educated when playing it.

In regards to my leadership position. These principles will come into play with those that I am not familiar with as well. I feel like acknowledging others concerns and not focusing completely on my own is a good goal to make, if I wish to improve my relationships. It seems to be our/my human nature to also think about "I"- this idea opposes principles of service. Seeing how my leadership role revolves around those concepts- I would be doing myself a favor by actively thinking about others concerns (while still respecting my own). This idea was the foundation of my Leadership book. It characterized being "inside of the box" as only seeing yourself and seeing others as objects- and encouraged getting "out of the box" by seeing others as what they really are... people, with similar concerns as my own. This goal will be the premise of my leadership role over the coming week. I will refer to it in the future.